The Fancy Catfish

Sandra Bullock loves The Salt Lick.

The woman sitting next to me has a notebook where she's drawn a tree with a vagina. What should I do? Wait. I don't mean she wrote in the notebook with her vagina. She isn't a vagina artist, painting pussy trees. I mean she drew a tree that has a pussy. She made a pussy tree. It stretches up with its branch arms, and has hairy pits and has a hairy crotch down by the trunk. And now a man walked past me reeking of pee. What should I do?

i thought we were firneds! if you got a problem with me then thats all there is to it. i thought i knew you wheel. i did think that you know? you used to be a regualr circle. now youre all fancy and glamourous and on your own. you're just tryin' to take my money, aren't you wheel? i've seen your house wheel. just cause you have a marble coffe table doesn't mean thgat you can walk all over me and my friends. there's lots of people out there that have nice thingsthat act polite and courteous to the public citizens. wheel... i'm gonna get you back. you know that wheel>? do yu? i'm gonna sand your edges into a square. do you hear me wheel? fuckin wheel/. fuckin wheel. you don't knowz anything do ya? you don't have to answer. ik have the answer for everone. its this: MIDDLE FINGER. see that wheel? MIDDLE FINGER. i have a horse medal. did you ever think of that? i have the one thing you can never get. youll never achieve what ive ...

he's getting fatter and fatter, almost bald he has a wisp of hair in the back which he twists and holds with a rubber band. he's got a place in the hills and he's got a place in the islands and few people ever see him. some consider him the greatest actor of our day. he has few friends, a very few. with them, his favorite pastime is eating. at rare times he is reached by telephone usually with an offer to act in an exceptional (he's told) motion picture. he answers in a very soft voice: "oh, no, i don't want to make any more movies..." "can we send you the screenplay?" "all right..." then he's not heard from again. usually what he and his few friends do after eating (if the night is cold) is to have a few drinks and watch the screenplays burn in the fireplace. or after eating (on warm evenings) after a few drinks the screenplays are taken frozen out of cold storage. he hands some to his friends keeps some then together from the vera...

i'm toodlin' down mccadden in hollywood today in my borrowed '73 chevy pick-up. happy as a pig in shit. a car door opens from a street parked car, i swerve and make a conscience decision not to take out giovanni ribisi. not that i wish any physical ill-wills towards the 'actor', but i probably do. like Blynch said, 'it's like Grandma putting a plate of fresh baked cookies on the sill and telling you not to touch them.' for some reason, i didn't. it wouldn't have even been my fault. i had a license to kill a ribisi. Blynch and i are proud of me, however, i must now take full responsibility for the rest of his career. that is quite a heavy burden. next time you see his tard-actin' fool self, just say, 'dammit, ray'.

25 Signs You're Hearing a Lie 1. Touching the chin or rubbing the brow 2. Crossed arms or legs 3. Playing with hair 4. A line of perspiration on the brow if it isn't a warm day 5. Saying "no" several times 6. Continually denying accusations 7. Being extremely defensive 8. Providing more information and specifics than necessary 9. Inconsistencies in what is being shared 10. Body language and facial expressions don't match what is being said such as saying "no," but nodding the head up and down 11. Smugness 12. Placing a barrier, such as a desk or chair, in front of self 13. Uncommon calmness 14. Unwillingness to touch spouse during conversation 15. Being hesitant 16. Slouching posture 17. Rigidity or fidgeting 18. Differing behaviors; not acting in a usual fashion 19. Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements 20. Partial shrug 21. Lack of finger pointing 22. Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, se...

i love calazones.

i had my first callback in awhile this week. the director say's 'where are you from?'. i say, 'Austin'. this guy is 'the guy'. the one that nobody wants moving to Austin, a smug thug. he decides to get quizzical, not knowing that i GREW UP THERE. where did i live? restaurants?...he lives in Bouldin Creek, you know the Bouldin Creek Neighborhood Association, yeah, i know, i GREW UP THERE. despite my use of CAPS, it was all pretty harmless and his posse of 'yes' people were silently slack-jawed at our 5-minute-too-long cultural ping pong match. then he said it. "I know the best bar-b-que is in Lockhart" it was like when a tiny child says the word 'fuck' for the first time in front of his parents. for a second, he thinks he's cute. he looks to them for acknowledgement, thinking he has found a common ground, thinking he is just like them. then he gets an ass whoopin. "well, i'm a Salt Lick fan myself," i repl...

i just heard brooks and dunn's cover of "husbands and wives" (my favorite roger miller song) on the radio and about puked. what an empty, hollow cover that was. it was all voice and no spirit. that's one of roger's deepest songs and they sung it like it was "a whole new world".