The Fancy Catfish

For those of you that enjoyed "Ernest Goes to Jail" or "Cool Hand Luke" here is the latest audio book by Oklahoma's own MR. RED. Red (also known as Oklahoma Blynch) spent 19 hours in the Oklahoma County Jail for reasons that have not been disclosed. This recording represents the trials and tribulations of Red as he copes with prison life. It is an engaging EPIC story of biblical proportions and should not be taken lightly. It has been digitally re-mastered and condensed for broadcast. The only section of the story lost to degradation is a chapter about the warden's orangutan assistant. The tale was recorded last year, next to the Hilo, the night after Mr. Red was set free. CLICK HERE FOR A TALE OF HUMAN ENDURANCE

Woud rather not have anymore of your dirty computer viruses, Ray. Just freakin' LOOK at what you've done! Now all my kitchen crap has coupons on it! How'm I supposed to drink thta Natty NIOW?? Huh?

have coupons on my bananas. that is all.

because i have been working out and eating 'healthy', i can drink and smoke 3 to 4 times as much. we are all gonna win. we're winning right now. i said in my previous 'state' that this is not a race. every time we (we know who we are) cross the 'finish' lines, one thing stands tall, true, and giggle worthy. we are crossing with held hands and we grin like mules eatin' garlic*. falling across, inching near, almost, bursting through, not even coming close. to say 'fuck it' is obvious and shallow. call me a neon yellow christmas teaspoon. if we are guilty of one thing, it's not crying together enough. that's our power over one another. like dominos made out of weeble wobbles. no one person, alone, has ever fallen down, even if that's the way we're stacked. some of my favorite times have been when we've paralleled each other to the ground but by morning we are staggering uprightish toward bacon with one or more of each p...

From Vegas. YES!!!!!!!!!! I'm almost out of here. In just about 36 hours I should be back in the glorious state of Texas. I'm so happy I could shit. This is a great place to visit but one helluva shitty place to live. Most of the people that live here are buttholes. Not that Texas doesn't have buttholes but Vegas overfloweth with em. I was thinking about stopping the car and getting out to kiss the ground as soon as I got into Texas, but I ain't about to waste any kisses on west Texas. El Paso has cooties ya know. I'll wait till Austin. I may have just jinxed myself seeing as my car is "supposed" to be ready tomorrow. Nah, my karma isn't that bad. Alright, I have about three more hours of packing to do, so I'm out.

' i took too mayn', ' took jjst uenough' shey said while basking in her own obviousness. oh how it rained. i will name my new sopa line 'cascade' after how much it is raining. furthermore, there happened upon a low lying cloud. 'fog' deemed her. haldf the platinum i will give to charities, the other i will disperse umong the masses at catholic gchurch. 'g's' are just 'q's' without blinkers. as far gestchded as this may sound, i am sane. she said A LOT. they are getting their nourishment. it will rain and reain and rain but no drowning. they'll have to find their own new dirt. or learn to float. boredom is walls, he said redneckery. OH MY FUCK , THE ROOSTER UNDERWARE JUST CROWED FROM A PLASTIC BOX. REALLY!@ back to the story. no, wiat. that battery has been for many yarears dammit years. it crows when ever i think , dammit when ever i dont' thingk. what is going should be coming. and here it is. where we ...

My favorite thing about the picture to the left, is that if you look just beyond Casey's leg, you can see that Staci was there and that she stayed overnight.

Packing sucks. Moving sucks. Texas rules. just had to bitch a little.

This weekend I visited the Yellow Rose gentlemen's club. I was a bit nervous, so I brought some body-builders. No really. The one girl had just won the world championship yesterday when she benched over 340 lbs. Anyways, her boyfriend that was there is also a refrigerator in stature. Not to mention the other dudes at our table who couldn't put their arms down at their sides. Colby was the little guy. Let's just say that when you add all this plus alcohol and a heaping cup o strippers you get some F-U-N. First, I got a dance by the one girl (who needed about 45 tacos and a better dye job) and was spotted doing THE ROBOT on stage followed by air guitar played on the wrong leg. She uh, hiked up my skirt, unbuttoned my shirt, licked my nostril and said something about corndogs. Then she bit my jaw and put her hand up my skirt and sniffed it. Then she said some crazy meth shit that was like, "I know you... I know you! I saw you in your mama's back yard tippin' cows...

we spent no less than 6 hours with this drunk gem of a game. substitute the word 'tractor' into any movie title. i.e. 'don't tell mom the tractor's dead'. acceptable derivatives include 'mississippi plowing'. i'll leave you with one of my favorites. 'save the last tractor'.

I bought a giant, trinket wall-box at the thrift store today. You know, those big frames with a bunch of little cubby holes in the middle? They're often used to display glass figurines and tiny porcelain clowns. Well this thing is giant and probably has over 75 cubby holes. The lady at the register told me she was thinking about buying it for herself but she didn't. She said she needed something to display her best marbles. She has over 15,000 marbles. Then she pointed to her forehead and said, "I'm not talkin' 'bout these marbles either! I'm talkin' 'bout real life, genuine marbles." I asked her where she keeps all her marbles. She said she keeps most of her marbles in the trunk of her car. Then we went outside and she showed me her trunk marbles. What the hell is going on?

for every 0% pants ray, there is absolutely a 100% pants somebody else. tonight, it was peter. peter buys pants, wears them once, and then gives them away. tonight was white leopard print, dolce & gablah glah, awesome pants. yep, i said it. awesome. if i can lose 30 lbs., i will be the benefactor of awesome pants. then someone else will have to be 0% pants that guy. too bad i like bar-b-q more than i like 100% awesome pants. fat and pantsless it is. this story was brought to you by TODD OLDHAM PEOPLE!!!! old ham is so funny to me right now. now here's what is scary. this baby is covered in delicious spaghetti. there is no way in hell the lion would eat this spaghetti covered baby if he were offered this clean baby instead. what the fuck lion? that baby is fucking spaghetti flavored but your not gonna eat it? ASS HOLE.

Dear ffun, I gues you didn't ge tmy forwarding address. eat shit you mongertl. BLynch ps. i hate mondays and Grafield is fucking ridiculous. Lasgana eatin cat WTF!

shit people.... i guess you;ll let anyone in here. i'm frustrated unyil i'm not;fd and dont you for get it. causxe i did. and your mama as well c

What's that about. There is a great new karaoke bar in Austin that is ~5 blocks from my house. They have $1 lonestar on draft and pizza.

We killed the comments section. It won't pull up anymore.

Can you believe the unjustnest of this world. I just got turned down for a job that I didn't even know I applied for. The crazy part is that it I applied for said job with a fake name, Samual Garcia. I did list my qualifications correctly though as the rejection letter states 'my credentials are very impressive' which you all know is true. Take a look: REJECTION I will try again casey

Chicharrones anyone?

Here's what I usually get up to when I'm drinky: 1) (In my head): I am making the best jokes ever! (Read: obnoxious). 2) SMOOCH!!! (And here's what my butt-crack looks like!) 3) How's that one song start? Colby (by Nicole)- 1) I'm-onna DANCe in verrr little (if any) clothing and then get naked and maybe even wet! 2) I think I'll flip off this stranger in the next car... It's a fun game we can all play! Hahahahahaha! 3) Baby, I'm gonna hump the shit outta... ZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! (Articulation added for effect).

So if everything goes perfect I would love to get the hell out of Vegas on the 19th. If that is the case I would like everyone who feels like it to meet me on Saturday the 20th at Luckenbach. I'll also be paying for one of the cabins at the KOA if that sweetens the deal for anyone. If some reason that doesn't happen and I can't leave until the 22nd, then those of you without jobs or available time, I'll be in Luckenbach on the 23rd with the same KOA cabin. Blynch Texas Luckenbach Beer Well 3 out of 4 ain't bad. What could go wrong?

Dear MySpace.com, Can we have Derek back? We totallly knew him before you. Your friend, The Fancy Catfish ps. up yours Tom

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jamesbrown.html

Ray if you're still awake Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead just started on HBOZP. "Dishes are done man."

TACO ROLLO mmmmmmmmmm

I can't belibve you mover buck3rks let my right this ghit. smy vooaiw on beosoqwy. MY POOSIES ON BYRONDWAY. WHO PHUSHED THE CAPS LOCK. I ficked tah. the kid just wakke olff. that's roovb bad he's got a a qwwtqb woincw. that no back space rule is fuckjh' my world. yesa i ruled that sernternce. i'll be backe

I don't have any of those rampage pictures anymore. They were all on the old computer. crapballs.

Awesome day for the mail. I got the new issue of ESPN The Magazine, a Ween cd, a check from Geico that I had given up on, and only one Have You Seen Me? postcard. Awesome. Just awesome.

I don't know if I've said it here before. I don't even know if it matters. But I like Bruce Springsteen a lot more than Bob Dylan. i don't know if anyone else weould compare the two but tonight I can. Maybe I'm not smart enough for Dylan but The Boss just hits home EVERY time. Also, to anyone who has seen a certain video of mine from 1986 you might find this funnhy. ps. it is not fun to play peek-a-boo with the sun.

since she probably doesn't read this, can anyone else make a comment on how cool Guilyn is. for fuck's sake, she wore a life jacket ice chest for many hours and help make the joke on if 'sound' went on vacation... sound: hello? ray: frantic waving of the arms and mouth sound: call back and leave a message ray calls back... "hello, you've reached the voice mail of sound. to complain about crickets press 1. to complain about drummers press 'buh dum bomp cheeesh' 2. to complain about that one lady press & ha ha there is no and sign. quittin while ican sype slow and make sendse to mee.. i type taht reall fast buth ethe rest real slow.

It is 11:30 on a Thursday. I'm out of beer. I've only had 4 and as we all know Blynch finds this totally (or all encompassingly, damn hedberg) unacceptable. So I'm standing in line at the grocery next to my house and I start to look at the products the person in front of me is buying. She is buying diet Shasta, Shark something Kool-Aid packet, Berry something Kool-Aid packet, Jiff peanut butter (people out here are fucking crazy about Jiff,) and a pack of Kool Menthols. I started thinking it was an odd mix of things to buy this late on a Thursday, but then the bar indicating the beginning of my products hit the starting line. 12 pack of natty, totino's pepperoni, generic bread, hubba bubba bubble gum, and Marlboro Lights. This is when the laughter and panic sit in. The checkout girl gives me this "great another one" kind of look and says "what's so funny?" All I could tell her was "Yang just left."

I also love that picture of Kung-Fu Colby, Banana Repulican, and 0% Pants Ray on the side of the blog.

Either that or we're just gonna die before them. I also want Ray to grow a crappy mustache so he will look wxatcly like Cousi9n Eddie in Vacation. Just kidding Ray. I wish you unexpected pie and whisk(e)y. And then this happened today. Guy at work: Hey, have you seen the Carlos Mencia show? Blynch: (sigh)yeah. I think he's the devil. Guy at work: Well he did this really funny thing where Blynch: Was it racial? Guy at work: Yeah. Blynch: I'm sorry but I fucking hate that guy. Later. I'm so glad that shitty comdeiand have to remind us that cats and dogs are differnt. I wish my computer had a brethalize ron it. This wholek thing started with lme wanting to tell atsroy about sometibng but ij thought it would be too long so I did this instead. stupid me. I will end with this Dear Dave Chappelle, Please huury back for you third season. The people are running out of quotes from the second season. Thanks, Blynch Wow I'm a dick.